Fluctuations of Hope
by hilarycantdraw
Summary: One month after being left in Pete's World the Doctor is distant and Rose is scared.


It had been a month since Bad Wolf Bay round two. At first Rose had been hopeful. She wasn't alone this time. The Doctor, the time lord Doctor, had left, but the other Doctor had stayed. He wanted to spend his life with her and he had stayed and she loved him for that. Because they were the Doctor and Rose Tyler and she was sure that they could make anything an adventure as long as they were together. But that hope had quickly faded. Things between them were awkward- they had never been awkward before. He kept up his "just fine" façade, but even after nearly three years apart she could still see straight through him. He was sullen and anxious and, worst of all, confused, and no matter how she tried she couldn't get him to talk to her about it.

They went through the motions of daily human life. He worked at Torchwood now too, in the tech department. They didn't see each other much during the day, so at least they had something to talk about at dinner. He told her about all the alien gadgets they had squirrelled away in the Torchwood storage rooms and she told him about all the reports she read through each day, the majority of which were false leads. They never talked about anything important and they never talked about the past. The one time she had brought up one of their adventures he had this pained look on his face that she couldn't decipher. She wanted to ask him about it- she could just shake him sometimes just to see if she could get some sort of reaction out of him.

She didn't push though because she was terrified. He didn't do "domestic" and she knew that. He'd said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but had he actually considered what that meant? One life in one place with a TARDIS that wouldn't be fully grown for god knows how long- a couple decades probably. He had given up his entire way of life for her and she worried that he would resent her for that, that one day she would wake up and her flat would be empty with no sign of him except for the rumpled blankets left on her couch. Rose had never seen the Doctor seem so lost before and she didn't know what to do.

She was watching him now as he sat at the kitchen table tinkering with some little machine he'd smuggled home from work. He was wearing the square-framed glasses they'd bought last week and his brow was furrowed- the way it did only when he was truly concentrating. It was a look she'd seen so many times as he worked on the TARDIS. That look was so familiar; she felt a pang shoot through her chest. It was ridiculous because she knew that feeling, had lived with it for three years, she missed him. He was sitting an arm's length away from her but she missed him like he was a universe away.

The first night- after hours waiting on the beach and a never-ending zeppelin ride with an unhappy Jackie Tyler as company- she had accepted his silence. It had been a long day, and they had shared a lingering hug before going to bed separately, and lying alone in bed with him thirty feet away sleeping on her couch, she had dreamed. She pictured them going on holidays across the world, going for a run on Sunday morning in the park, turning her sparse flat into a real home. Maybe they could get a dog, she'd thought, a big, friendly dog that could adventure with them. Her imagination got far enough away from her that she even began imagining children. She'd never even actively wanted a child before, but picturing a baby with a full head of fuzzy brown hair and a wide beaming smile made her heart skip a beat. She had fallen asleep with thoughts of a future full of happiness.

But then she woke up in the morning and the Doctor was all business. She had thought that once he got settled it would change, he would soften and they would go back to normal, and that never happened. Now, she was sitting across the table from where he was tinkering and she felt as hopeless as she had during the first trip to Bad Wolf Bay. He was so close, but so far and she could almost see the life she'd imagined slipping through her fingers so quickly that she couldn't stop it. She'd faced down cybermen and daleks and so many nightmarish things, and yet reaching across three feet of space terrified her more than any alien ever had.

A sob escaped before she could stop it, and his head snapped up, "Rose?" he said tentatively.

She stared at the table, trying to pull herself together, and ignored him in hopes that he'd return to his gadget. It almost worked until he saw her run a hand across her eyes.

"Rose, are you alright?" His voice was concerned, and she nodded sharply, still not looking at him.

"I'm fine," she finally choked out, but he had already gotten out of his chair and moved around the table and was now kneeling in front of her. He reached out to cup her chin, wiping her tears away as she finally brought her gaze to meet his.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head, "I'm sorry. I just—this just… I thought things would be different. With us."

His face fell and he drew his hand away from her face. "I know I'm not him," he began, looking miserable, "I'm just the consolation prize. He just… dumped me on you. I'm sorry that he thought the choice was his to make. I can't show you the stars, I can't bring you to the future or the past. I don't know how to get you back to that universe. And I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to be with me. I know you didn't have a choice."

She stared at him incredulously, "What? How can you think that?"

Rose reached out to grab his hand. When he didn't lace his fingers through hers she stifled another sob. "I had a choice, remember? There were two options standing in front of me on that awful beach. I knew what a life with him would involve. But then you were there, and you said that you and I could have a real life together. I know I was hesitant, but then when he couldn't answer my question and you did, I knew. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a man who may never admit his feelings. I wanted you. I want you. I love you. I thought… I thought that you were the one who didn't have a choice. I've been afraid that you'd resent me for keeping you trapped here when you could have been travelling the stars still. You've been so distant and I, I miss you so much."

His fingers finally clasped around hers and he flinched at her use of present tense. "Even if we never leave this planet again, I will never, ever, regret staying with you Rose Tyler." He stared at her so earnestly that she couldn't resist wrapping her free arm around his neck and pulling him into a hug. He let go of her hand to return the hug properly and he could feel her tears soaking through his shirt.

"The Doctor and Rose Tyler- the stuff of legends and complete rubbish at communication." He could feel her laugh and he grinned. "We'll get it right eventually," he promised. "I love you."

She looked up at him with a watery smile, "I love you too. My Doctor."

He kissed her then, a long passionate kiss that brought back all of Rose's hope plus some. They would make this work.


End file.
